In 2021 I created a blog post entitled “Birth Lottery” (linked here.) The post was regarding my curiosity about the role that each of our geographies plays in the ultimate outcomes of our lives. It contrasted a homeless person on the commuter train, with a young toddler in the stroller just near us. Specifically my question was: “Had this man next to me, been born to that Mom, in that life (referring to the young infant rider), would his life have brought him to this same place?”
When I wrote the piece, the resounding answer to this question was an obvious “No.” Had any of us been born into another family, another geography, another socio-economic status or education level, we would be different people, and living in different places than the ones we now call home. But only recently did I hear something that further confirmed this “birth lottery” theory of mine, so much so that I have to share it.
Although the piece I wrote last year clearly suggests that the families we are born into impact the full experience and trajectory of the lives we will manifest, I didn’t take the time to thoroughly drive the point home. After over hearing a scenario that embodies my point, I want to share it here to reiterate my claim that it matters who our parents are, what living situation we are born into and how we are received when we get here.
If you still think you alone, are responsible for your own success or achievements in life, with no help from any circumstance, including your birth lottery, see if this idea opens the door for the possibility that maybe, just maybe you had some advantages that helped you climb to where you are now.
Returning to the “crazy” homeless gentleman on the commuter train that no one wanted to be near, I don’t know for sure, but I imagine he wasn’t “welcomed” into the world with some of the advantages that others may have been granted. For example: I recently heard a mom describe her habit of putting her son’s clothes in the dryer on extremely cold mornings, so he wouldn’t be cold getting dressed.
Maybe the gentleman on the metro DID have dryer-heated clothes growing up. Anyone can get going on the wrong path. But actually, I believe where we start out matters. In some homes, the wake up call in the Winter, is not dryer warmed clothes, but the throwing open of a snowy window and a shout to “GET UP! ___” (Insert favorite expletives!) Or even some type of physical assault to literally shake a kid awake to get him moving in the morning.
I didn’t grow up with dryer warmed clothes (which would have been quite handy in Syracuse, NY) nor did I wake up to someone cursing at me, or letting the snow drifts in to force me out of a warm bed. But I am aware, of the radical advantages just having a warm bed, bestowed upon me. And, really, that having a bed at all, gave me advantages. If you have ever met someone who didn’t have their own bed, this will make more sense. (Think Michael Oher in the “The Blind Side.”)
But for now, see if this idea that where we land as newborns has an absolute impact on what trajectory we have access to as adults, resonates. I am not trying to solve for the “Nature vs. Nurture” dilemma. I am simply sharing the “dryer warmed clothing on cold days” reference to highlight this example of how the house we grow up in may put us further ahead, or further behind, depending on what kind of start to each day describes our childhood.
Let’s again, consider the question from my post: “Had this man next to me, been born to that Mom, in that life (referring to the young infant rider), would his life have brought him to this same place?“ I still believe the answer to be: No way! But this is a helpful illustration that may drive the answer home. I cannot conclude that these birth lottery differences are non-material, and this is coming from someone who had a warm bed. And I bet those woken up by a yelling parent and freezing cold temperatures would also agree.
And with this uniquely authentic example I am brought back to empathy. We don’t strive to understand others with a goal of anything but being more present. We aren’t better or worse if we had screams or dryer sheets in our childhood mornings. But it is undeniable that what happens in our homes influences our life’s path.
No one wanted to sit near that gentleman on that commuter train. Yet, I imagine that very few riders had the same impression I did, as we moved through the dark tunnels of the WDC Metro System at lightening speed:
“That could be me.”
We don’t raise our awareness to be judgmental. Or to be better than others. We do it for humility. And we do it for gratitude. We do it to be more of who we already are.