I have a passion for fresh lilies.  Perhaps carrying stargazer lilies down the isle at my wedding in 1994 is one of the reasons.  Lilies are so simple, elegant, independent and graceful.  They don’t go to any trouble to show off.  They just stand in their water with dignity, patiently waiting to be noticed and enjoyed.  They open slowly, at their own pace.  What is released from a fully bloomed lily is magical.  The fragrance is the scent of nature:  Sweet, simple, one-of-a-kind.

Take a look at the lilies in this photo.  When I buy them in bunches, I like to divide them among different vases and place them around my home.  When I walk into a room and notice a lily opening, it feels like time stops.  I literally feel like they are waving at me!  And these particular lilies have so many buds, they look like they are about to burst forth into life with plenty of blooms, beauty, and fragrance.

But believe it or not, these lilies have passed their prime.  They may appear to be fresh and waiting to open.  But the truth is that these flowers are nearly three weeks old.  And despite water, food, light and love, they refuse to blossom.  The lily pedals are simply starting to crumble and fall off and the plants are nearly dead.  I feel like asking these flowers:  ”What’s your problem?”

I liken these “past their prime” lilies to humans.  When was the last time someone didn’t show up in the way you expected?  Are you familiar with the feeling of anticipating a rote behavior from someone, a stranger even, only to find they are apathetic or uninvolved?  Ever say hello to someone and have them ignore you?  Perhaps you greeted someone enthusiastically and they looked away?  Maybe you asked a question and you were ignored?  Or perhaps you paid someone a compliment and they said nothing?  See if you can bring to mind, a moment when someone reacted to you in way that made you think to yourself, or even say out loud:  “What’s your problem?”

It’s tempting to call people out when this happens.  We want responses.  We crave interaction.  We notice when we are being ignored.  We expect people to behave in the way that WE think they should.  When they don’t, we automatically conclude that there is something wrong with them.  “What’s your problem?” is a natural question that arises when we feel someone should be doing something other than what they are doing.

Let’s think for a moment about the example of sitting in a business meeting.  Imagine one of your team members walking into your meeting late and abruptly.  When you try to engage this person in conversation, they just look away, behave in a distracted manner and in some ways don’t even seem like they are there.  I have had this happen, and my inclination was to pull that person aside and say “Hey, what’s your problem?”

However, I did not.  I have learned a great deal about this question over the years, specifically as it relates to trauma recovery.  In addition to other reasearch, I discovered useful intel from a relatively new book called What Happened to You? Co-authored by Neurologist Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey.  Essentially these two dynamic minds have combined science with human behavior and created a more effective and productive way to approach ourselves and others.  Hint:  It has to do with changing our question from “What is your problem?” To “What happened to you?”

Can you feel the energetic difference when the question changes?  If someone ignores me and I notice it, I may be tempted to say “What’s your problem?”  But actually as the above book brilliantly and simplistically demonstrates, that a question like this makes us defensive, in addition to making an assumption that there IS a problem.

Alternatively, if we ask, or at least think in our minds: “What happened to you – why are you behaving this way?  ”We are showing interest, compassion and empathy even, in the experience of that individual.  We shift from our unchallenged conclusion that there is a problem with this person, to instead getting curious about what has actually happened in this person’s life.

Initiating this question allows for space and additional information to arise when we feel that someone isn’t acting the way we think they should.  It keeps us from reacting in a defensive, critical way.  We move from taking an uncommon reaction personally, to being proactive in our quest to understand instead of judge.

I had a feeling this would be a bit hard to convey in a blogpost.  So when I saw that my three-week lilies never bloomed I saw an opportunity to bring this concept to life.  Go back and look at the flowers in the image above.  Can you imagine looking at these dried buds and asking “What is your problem?!” 

As mentioned, I was inclined to do that, but instead I started to get curious and ask questions:  Do the lilies have enough water?  Do they have enough light?  Do they have enough room to bloom?  What happened to them that literally NONE of the dozens of buds came into full blossom?

It is ridiculous to imagine myself saying to these amazing creatures:  What’s your problem?  Instead I am just curious.  It is this experience of CURIOSITY that I wish to encourage, emphasize and illustrate with this blogpost.  If we can move from critical, to curious, we can cultivate our own actions such that they seek to inform, not to condemn.  This applies to our responses both to ourselves and to others.

We can teach ourselves to ask questions, touch someone’s shoulder with encouragement if appropriate, and even make statements like “Hey, it seems you are having a tough morning, let’s go get some coffee and talk it through.”  Or “I see that you are having a hard time, let’s go for a walk.”  The goal in that moment is to avoid the temptation to judge and defend, and instead to engage and investigate.

So no, I didn’t ask the lilies:  “What’s your problem?”  Instead I was curious.  “Wow, how odd?  These flowers somehow didn’t get the ingredients they needed to be the fullest expression of themselves…I wonder if I can help them along?”

How would our relationships change if we started getting curious about why people do what they do, instead of reacting or rushing to judgment?  How could that business meeting feel different if the person coming in late felt “concern” from their team, rather than “criticism?”  How would our homes be different if instead of concluding that someone has a problem when they get home angry or disengaged, we could seek to understand WHY their behavior is aberrant and move to solution building, instead of writing that person off as rude or a jerk?  These are all great questions to ask.

In the meantime, I have thrown my un-blossomed lilies in the trash, knowing that whatever they missed out on in their development caused them to miss their opportunity to become full-fledged flowers.  Whatever condition or circumstance stunted the development of these striking creatures was unrelated to me, my appreciation for them, or any thing I did.  So I don’t have to take their underdeveloped potential personally.  There is no problem.  Only curiosity.  It’s not a flaw.  It’s not me. It’s not them.  It just is what it is.  Judging the situation will not make them bloom.  But opening my heart and mind may give me clues about the best way forward – with a flower, with a colleague, with a friend.

Ask questions.  Get curious.  Save the judgment for another day.