Grief can be very isolating. We often feel alone, and like no one in the world understands what we are going through. We want to find a “how to” path to follow so we can “heal” and “get on with life” but after years of searching, I don’t believe such a path exists.
Since our experience of loss is idiosyncratic, our healing path must also be. Although having a number of steps to follow, a recipe of sorts to refer to when dealing with sorrow, might seem alluring, it just isn’t possible to use a cookie cutter approach to dealing with loss. Our experiences are so unique, how we feel, how the grief shows up, or doesn’t varies along a spectrum so far that we must also have as many maps to deal with them.
I see this as bad news, perhaps initially, but good news long term. I say bad news initially because when we are in agony we feel like we just want it to end. We will do anything and often feel like shouting “Just tell me what to do to stop aching and I will do it!” The bad news is that in fact there are no answers “out there.”
But big picture, I say this is good news. Because it means we have complete freedom (to the extent that we allow ourselves to access it) to heal by whatever means is necessary, for us. For some this might mean getting right back into life and work after loss. For others it might mean taking a sabbatical. Since there is no right way, we can customize our healing path to meet our own individual needs. We don’t need permission. Our broken heart is our credential.
If you are hurting and seeking a path of relief, try this complicated yet simple approach to healing: Allow yourself to honor your deepest instincts about what you, yourself need, independently of anyone else, without playing the comparison game, without looking for the most popular or fastest balm you can find. Try to act on little intuitive hits about actions you should or could take.
Maybe you feel called to write to a particular person, to make a donation to a specific cause or to run a marathon in honor of a lost loved one. Maybe you will start a new company or organization. Or perhaps you are feeling pressured to return phone calls that you don’t want to. So don’t. Don’t “make” yourself do anything.
My experience is that each time we honor our intuition, in small ways and large ways, we lay another small stone on our own healing path that eventually becomes grounded, worn, and familiar to us. The good news and the bad news is that it doesn’t already exist. There is no right way. There is only a way that is right for us. Give yourself the freedom to explore what is life giving for you, in the face of your loss, and know that it doesn’t need to make sense to, or be approved by anyone but you.