Like many of us, I wear a lot of hats during the course of a given day, week or month: Corp Leader, Mother, Coach, Writer, Daughter, Friend. While sleeping down the hall from Zach during an ice storm, I was reminded of another hat I wear, by far the most Divine of any.
Zach is a great sleeper. And for 15+ years we were Blessed to have the support of in home, over night nursing care so we could rest while Zach received his food and medications through his GTube at night. Because he is now an “adult” and the nursing care is gone, Zach has had to get used to waking up in a room with no one at his bedside.
But Friday night he wasn’t peaceful. At 4:32am I heard the door to my bedroom open. “Mom?” Then… “What’s the plan?” (That is Zach’s repetitive way of asking what to expect that moment, day, hour).
“It’s too early for a plan Zach, come get into bed” I responded.
“No?” Zach wasn’t interested in going back to sleep. I suggested he go back down the hall and go back to bed. “It’s nighttime Zach, go back to sleep.”
Several minutes later I now heard his footsteps coming down the hall, still awake from his recent visit. Zach’s gait is distinct: His right foot is in permanent extension mode and he walks on the ball of his right foot unable to extend or straighten his foot or leg. He has hip displasia and extreme genu varum (bowed legs not able to be surgically corrected) so his gait is completely unique. Zach’s Dad and I agree, his footsteps create one of the sweetest sounds ever.
”Mom?…Mom come?” Before I could send him back down the hall he had a grip on my hand and was literally pulling me out of bed. “Zach’s bed?” I asked? By now I was on my feet and being guided by his small hand which he was insistent on using to lead me toward his room.
Sometimes when Zach awakes in the night it is a challenge to get him to surrender, back to sleep until daylight. He may want to “talk” or “make a plan” even though it is no where near morning. Or perhaps a drink of water or bathroom stop is in order and gets him back to bed.
But not this time. Zach said nothing about the bathroom, or water, or anything at all, after initially leading me out of my bed. With the motion detector nightlights providing enough light not to step on the all the marbles and beads that he has strategically placed in our path (another chat) we got to his room where he promptly climbed into bed, reached over to make sure I was there, and quickly fell asleep.
At 5am, in the stillness of a dark, chilled dark February morning, I had a special insight: Of all the roles I play, being Zach’s Mom is by far the most humbling and rewarding! Zach didn’t need anything from me. He just needed to be with me. It was as if I was a walking security blanket or childhood toy.
I was reminded of the gift of presence, that we can give and also receive just by showing up. The ability to bring comfort to another, simply by “being” but “doing” nothing, is by far my favorite hat to wear. I thanked God that I had a gift to share, that was already perfect, and ready for Zach when he needed it.
What a miracle to have another human being be soothed merely by our presence. As Taylor Hanson puts it: “To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.” Here’s to showing up and giving the gift of presence!