Over the last few days I have been feeling under the weather. I’ve had a constant headache combined with body aches and pains and a complete depletion of energy. Like many of us when these symptoms arise I am worried about COVID but for now, am comforted by the complete absence of respiratory symptoms. I have been tested for COVID more than once and know if this persists I will go again.
I stayed in bed most of yesterday, and tried to sleep it off last night by going to bed early. I slept through most of the night but as I often do, woke up with my mind racing:
“What if I have COVID? What if I can’t complete ‘XYZ’ for work or ‘XYZ’ task for Zach? I can’t afford to feel crappy, too much to do. I wish I could sleep for the whole week and do nothing, I’m sure I would feel better. I need a vacation. I can’t go anywhere during COVID, and even then there is so much to do. I forgot one of the documents for my taxes. Did I pay the gas bill? I need to save more money. Maybe if I took Vitamins I would have a stronger immune system. I never get sick, is this the time I actually get COVID? I haven’t been around anyone or gone anywhere. Maybe it is one of those new Variants…”
…And on, and on, and on. I know better than to look at a clock when I awake during the night, so I held strong to that commitment. But the anxiety came crashing in and washed over me like a tidal wave. My mind went from rest to sprinting.
Then just as quickly as the tidal wave washed over me, Grace appeared. I heard Tara Brach’s words from her article “Awakening from the Trance of Unworthiness”, and book “True Refuge.” The Grace in the form of a mantra was this: Nothing’s missing, nothing’s wrong.
Instead of laying with my eyes closed allowing my “monkey mind” to run free, I opened my eyes, looked around and showed up in the current moment. I heard and/or said (not sure they are mutually exclusive) “Nothing is missing, nothing is wrong in the present moment. Go back to sleep.”
And just like that, I fell back to sleep.
During the daylight, my ego has a thousand arguments with the mantra: “Nothing is missing? How about my deceased children, they are missing! Nothing is wrong? What about the state of world affairs, that homeless people are freezing right now! What if there is more political violence?”
But in the serene darkness illuminated only by a battery lit candle that I leave on 24/7 (in a large, blue stained glass candle holder that matches the smaller one we bought in honor of Alexis’ Baptism in July 1997) I embraced the mantra. As I looked around, I didn’t argue with reality. If I am completely present, surrender my ego and show up in this moment, nothing IS missing, nothing IS wrong.
What seemed like moments later but was more likely hours, I awoke with a celebratory “YES! I got to sleep!” And began my day. I don’t actually feel any better, headache and chills still intact. But I am grateful for Tara’s mantra and remind myself to proclaim it whenever my mind wants to run in “what if” marathons that have no bearing on the present moment.