Looking at the next grief myth in our PSA Series, this is one that actually deceives both the person grieving and those supporting that person. One of the challenges of profound grief is that there is a sneaking suspicion on everyone’s part that there is a way to “do this.” That if we just launched into one of the many sets of actions that leads to peace, acceptance and renewed Joy, we would be “moving forward” and “getting on” with life.
This idea is incredible misleading. For one thing, grief is a unique journey and if we have lost someone the circumstances around that death are idiosyncratic to the person and the situation. These losses are often more complicated than they seem. During our efforts to recover, we may look around us to see proof that it is actually possible to lose a child or a loved one and still lead a vibrant, fulfilling life. But despite evidence we collect to remind our selves that this is “survivable” there are no two situations that are truly the same.
Sometimes our feelings of sadness are conflated with guilt, regret, anger, and resentment. Perhaps we are questioning our role in the loss of this person. Maybe we had to make a split decision on the scene of an accident, or alternatively perhaps we weighed out a decision with great analysis and pressure and in retrospect, wish we had done something differently.
Additionally, since relationships are complicated, we may truly mourn the death of a loved one, while at the same time feel conflicted about pain they caused us, things that were said, or not said; done or not done. These opposing feelings make finding a path to healing even more difficult, as we reconcile all of which is now in the past with no chance for a “do-over.”
One critical lesson I have uncovered while grieving for two of my children for 20 plus years is that there is no path to healing “out there” that we can find, mimic or plug into. It has to be created by us, for us, and taking into consideration all the complicated aspects of how we will live our lives without someone who may have played a strong role in our identities and lives. I spent a lot of time trying to find “the way” to “move on” and what I now know, is that it doesn’t already exist.
The good news (albeit, small) if we are hurting as that we don’t need to worry about “getting healing right” or doing things others suggest or urge us to do. The pain of our unique loss is ours, and ours alone. Comparing ourselves to others, and their ways of coping only isolates us further. This is the one part of grief that we actually have some say in.
The message here is that since there is no “right” way, but only our “own” way, we can reclaim some of our power that was lost in the death itself. We start looking at our own decisions and try to notice what feels like nourishment and what feels like poison. We may need to spend less time doing certain activities, or with particular people, when we notice our moods drop during those occasions. We may want to add new activities and new faces to our world as we begin to build back to a life we can stand to live in.
Freedom is powerful. We can’t get back what we have lost. But we can claim our identities in recovery, and let our feelings guide what is right for us. Since we lose agency at the time a loved one dies, we can start to gain it back with the steps we choose in the aftermath of our sorrow. We have to build our own way, decision by decision, hour by hour, and as long as it takes to see what works for us in our specific circumstances. It can be lonely, but anything else is simply a distraction from this grief work that does eventually land us in a mirror where we begin to see and recognize ourselves again.