The word “sorry” is defined by Merriam-Webster as:
- Feeling sorrow or regret
- Used to express polite regret
- Used to introduce disappointing or bad news in a polite way
When someone says “I’m sorry” we pretty much all understand what this means. And in the realm of grief and loss, these words are meant to convey sympathy, or “regret” that something has happened, like the death of a loved one.
Our support communities say this, cards and emails include it, and I actually find these two simple words respectfully supportive. They have an empathetic tone, which if, if spoken by someone who isn’t usually known for their ability to see the world the eyes of another, can be quite miraculous.
Saying “I’m sorry” isn’t invasive. It is unattached to a response or an outcome. It is the culturally appropriate way for us to express support to others who are hurting.
Switching gears a bit, and considering the Universal nature of grief, since death is something that no one escapes, shouldn’t the experience and the expression of grief also receive Universal acceptance? Specifically, why do we expect “grief” to go private once the dust of a loved one dying settles? In the first few days and weeks it’s all “I’m sorry.” And it seems ok to grieve.
But once the funeral is over, the flowers dry up, and the food spoils and there are only dresser drawers and bathroom counters full of our loved one’s essence to remain, it seems we no longer have cart blanche to display our grief in public. This is a bigger conversation that we return to again and again.
But for purposes of this chat, I return to our working definition above. If saying “I’m sorry” is an expression of regret, apology or bad news, why is it that when we shed a tear or lose control or get confused in the aftermath of a loved one dying do we switch roles from to the person who is hurting to the one apologizing for our grief? Aren’t we the ones struggling?
Yet, we can all recall a time we were speaking to someone who wept about a loved one dying, and almost as soon as that first tear fell, they were saying “I’m sorry.” It’s almost like grief gets “a day in court” time window to exist in the light of day which closes abruptly after a very limited period.
The time frame is inclusive of the days leading to the funeral, past the traditions being carried out, and the travelers returning to their geographical origins. But after about a week, to 10 days, it seems the switch flips, and as grievers we begin owning not only our own suffering, but also feel like we need to shield others from it.
Why is that? And what can we do to change this cultural expectation? Is it any wonder most of us don’t feel safe enough or worthy enough to mourn the death of a loved one?
I don’t have the answers, I just know the hollow flow of stale air that flows through my chest when I used to apologize for grieving, all too well.
The best suggestion I can make, is try not apologizing next time you get choked up and see if showing up as the person you actually are, can empower you instead of retreating, wiping tears and hurrying to change the subject as we have been entranced in doing. The next time you feel tears making their way to your face, try and resist the habit of saying “I’m sorry” and trade it for, “I need a moment.” Then take all the time you need.