I heard something recently that resonated deeply. It was about women and the correlation between our willingness to be people pleasers at a young age, and the inverse relationship between that willingness, and our gradual increase in age.
The (anonymous) quote is: (Women) say “Yes” in their 30s, “Maybe” in their 40s, and “No” in their 50s. As a young woman, I was concerned with replicating my mom to the best of my ability: Working woman, family woman, close friends, active, smart and beautiful. Easy right?
In my 20s & 30s I was very busy! I was working, moving, getting married, decorating my first apartment with my soon to be husband. I was focused on starting a family. I had “yes” down to a science with no sense that saying “yes” all the time to others meant saying “no” to myself. A few examples:
- “Yes, we can have someone live with us who needs a place to stay.”
- “Yes, we can sign on the dotted line for things even though we don’t have the money yet.”
- “Yes, we can drive to (whatever distant location) to celebrate a family occasion.”
- “Yes, I can work a 12 hour night shift and come home in the morning to take care of Zach all day”
- “Yes, I can function without sleep for 36 hours.”
- “Yes, I will cook/clean/pay bills/manage Zach’s complex care team, work full time and also make a cake.”
- ”Yes, I will do laundry for the whole family.”
I was stuck in the early 1980s Enjoli (perfume commercial – see YouTube: “I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget you’re a man… cause I am woman.”) YIKES.
In my early 40s a breakthrough: I wanted to take an exercise class on Saturday mornings, but hesitated since I was the default caregiver (like most moms) for Zach when I wasn’t working. I didn’t know if my spouse would be “ok” with it. Ultimately I had the eureka moment of “I am doing this and don’t need permission.” Of course, it would be a respectful conversation to make sure Zach could have what he needed when I was not there. But the idea that I had a choice on how I spent my time, expanded as I aged.
I slowed my propensity toward going along with things in general. I had that sense of “not sure that is the best idea” and actually tried acting on that instinct. But still, I was a good soldier and carried out my duties including all things family, successfully running a business I’d started, and even date nights with my husband and sometimes girlfriends.
By my late 40s the alarms were constantly going off. They became louder and unavoidable. Most notably this happened in the dark of night, when I couldn’t anesthetize or shut them up. The structure I’d created to meet every obligation day in, and day out was starting to crack from the weight. And yes as I rounded the 1/2 century mark, I have been saying “No” with confidence in my 50s (and ’Yes’ when I want to.)
This is a heavy concept, not to be covered in one blog post. But I was comforted to hear that I am not the only one who did everything anyone else wanted as a younger person, judged myself when I (inevitably) fell apart for not being “enough” and then woke up and started smelling the proverbial coffee as I hit mid-life. I wanted others who may be able to relate, to receive this same comfort. “You are not alone!”
I will explore this more in the future, but for now, while share that I perhaps didn’t know what “I” wanted because I had no sense of self, nor did I ever ask myself until I was in my 40s.
No matter what age we are, female or male, “What do I want?” is a very important to ask oneself. It begs deeper questions about identity that will help us all get a little closer to knowing ourselves. We shouldn’t wait until we are 50-something to give this a shot. Next time you are faced with a yes or no question, take a step back and dig for the honest answer, the one that respects your identity. Then answer authentically and notice how it feels.