In a recent conversation about life in general, a group of us were discussing different challenges: Death, divorce, illness, financial hardship, aging parents… One of my friends asked a question:
“What do you think the hole is? You know, the one that you feel in the morning sometimes when you feel like something is missing?”
I’ve had many chats around how grief and other losses can leave us feeling “hollow” and “empty” but had never heard this universal human experience called the “hole.” I loved it and needed no explanation to understand the reference.
I replied: “I think it is our yearning for connection.” I went on to say that since we are all part of a universal life force, we get called back to re-connect with that life energy when we get too far away from it. For me, this includes God, but also the trees, music, friendships, a lovely cup of coffee or time with Zach. Since we are all part of this universal life force there are countless ways to dip into it. When we do, we feel more ourselves, and when we don’t we feel the hole.
This response seemed to land with my friend. I added that for me it happens a lot in the middle of the night if that is the only time I am “available”. In other words if I am not present during wake hours, the hole waits until I can’t numb or distract myself from it with food, booze, Netflix, gambling, hoarding or social media. It simply waits until I can’t escape, then washes over me like a flood.
I explained that I now see the “hole” as a calling:
“Hey Lis, it’s me, and you are a little too off center so come on back…”. Ideally I wouldn’t need the “hole” to do that, since I am more present and aware than I used to be. But when it does happen I recognize it for what it is: My heart sinks and I feel saturated with the weighty blanket of chilled emptiness (whether its morning, night or anytime of day.) And I don’t resist it. I don’t try to make it stop.
Instead, when the call comes I welcome it like an old, wise friend reaching out to catch up and answer it:
“Hello there, I see you! Must be you are here to remind me of something… now what might that be? That I am disconnected? Asleep? Self absorbed? On the wrong track? Numbing?”
When I answer the call and ask the question, I always get an answer. I may not like the answer, but I get one.
I do believe that connection with each other, our planet and all life forms is our highest ambition. What happens at the point of intersection is another convo altogether. But in my heart of hearts (holes and all) I know that purpose for me means connecting to myself, through connection with others. When I stray a little too far from center, I know the “hole” aka all of those physical symptoms and more, are really a reminder to come back to the present moment.