Continuing the conversation from yesterday’s post, about the infamous spinning of our wheels (aka loop of commitment, falling short, self judgment/regret, and recommitment) anesthesia comes in many forms: Debt, alcohol, food, gambling, smoking, toxic relationships, drugs, sex, binge TV (insert medium here), gaming, digital devices, social media, obsessive planning for the future or relentless living in the past. These are all ways we check out of the current moment.
The list of escape options is endless but the idea, is that we allow one, any, or all of these and other distractions, mislead our attention to some external behavior or activity that we know is thwarting our ability to show up consistently as ourselves. And in doing so miss our lives because we are not in them when we are checked out.
Food is an easy example and one that I know others can relate to. See if this sounds familiar:
It’s Monday morning. I ate lots of junk food (or insert undesired behavior here) over the weekend. Maybe it was at a birthday party, or brunch or a cookout. Or maybe I just never got going on Sunday, and in my PJs ate Girl Scout cookies for breakfast (and lunch, and dinner) while binge watching the latest and greatest on Netflix. Whatever the details, its Monday morning and I wake up feeling regretful that I over indulged again. “How did I get here, again?!!” I tell myself that today will be different. And eat healthy foods, maybe even work out the first few days of the week.
By Wednesday I am growing tired of the discipline it takes to resist whatever temptations/distractions are calling me. Though I stay committed, by Thursday I am meeting friends for dinner and eating little bits of things I would never have eaten on Monday. Friday comes and I am so excited for the weekend that I throw all previous “commitments” to the wind and by Sunday I am again, thinking I already “blew it” so I reach for more junk food and wait for Monday morning so I can spin my wheels in this loop, for the thousandth-something time.
If this wheel spinning does not resonate with you (inserting any of the anesthesia options mentioned, or not mentioned) congrats!
If it does resonate, keep reading, because my experience is that many of us have some version of this going on in our minds. And there is nothing wrong with the awareness that we can make better choices, whatever the context. In fact, the awareness is the beginning of interrupting the pattern.
The problem though, is not in the humanity and common thought patterns that we share. The problem (or opportunity!) is that when we allow ourselves to be carried off in the loop of wheel spinning, we miss our lives. We miss what is right here, right now. As long as we are obsessed with regrets, planning, “doing better” etc., we are in some fantasy world instead of our own. And if we don’t throw a wrench in that cycle, we could fail to notice all the miracles that are in front of us: The sunrise, our children’s footsteps, a stranger’s smile, an evening breeze.
Returning to the teachings of Michael Beckwith, here is a wheel spinning hack to try: Imagine that whatever the condition is that we are trying to change and stop spinning on, is permanent and will never change. Then ask, what skill, trait or strength would I need to develop to live in the situation forever?
Returning to the junk food example, the hack could go something like this: “I will always want to eat junk food, and based on a review of history I make better food choices during the week, than on the weekends…there is nothing wrong with this pattern so long as I remain overall healthy…I accept this as my “pattern” and don’t need stay in the loop. I recognize the strength I need to cultivate is accepting these behaviors without letting them keep me spinning.”
In this example, “Acceptance” is the skill I need to grow and apply, to break the cycle. By building and flexing “acceptance” muscles, I can release the need to continue the loop, and simply allow my “pattern” to be what it is. Without the need to judge it, fix it, plan for it or regret it. I just let it be.
This may be an oversimplification, but play with this concept and see if any of it can be applied to your own anesthesia of choice. What if you think you spend too much time on social media, or spend too much money on line? What if you could accept that in your current reality that works for you and you can just let it be? Wouldn’t that be a relief?
There are no easy answers here, but the idea that by cultivating the skill we would need to survive in the condition we so wish to change we loosen its hold on us, may just be the best one I have come across. It can help us move beyond the mind’s obsession with being something or somewhere else and unconsciously riding the loop again and again.
I still eat junk food. But by accepting my perceived “flaws” I can also show up. Now when I am eating cookies for breakfast on Sunday, I also revel in the sound of Zach’s unique foot pattern coming down the hall, notice the perfection of nature out the back door, and give thanks for my breath all at the same time. I don’t want to miss anything.