In a former post we were talking about the need to make appropriate adjustments to our lives when someone we love dies (linked here). During the extended podcast discussion on “Healing Path Podcast” (found wherever you access podcasts and linked here) we stumbled on an important concept that warrants further discussion. In our review of a few basic ways we can work to help ourselves heal, I made a statement which stirred up some great feedback!
Here it is: “Our healing is 100% our business.”
Some of the response questions that have arisen are ones of intrigue but also confusion, such as:
- “You mean I have to be devastated by grief AND heal myself?”
- “So I can’t ask for help? There’s no way I can do this alone!”
- “Why is my healing my job when someone else killed my loved one?!”
- “I’m too tired to take on my own healing. I’m just trying to get through the day and back to bed.”
This feedback provides substantive content that we can unpack together. I too have experienced all of these emotions myself. But in short, the declaration that “Our healing is 100% our business” remains the same. Its ok that we may not agree and I hope you will continue to share feedback as we continue this discussion.
When we are talking about death, we are talking about life. And when we are talking about life, we are talking about relationships. What we do, where we go, jobs we have, and challenges we rise to are all detailed activities that constitute our lives, just as they have since the beginning of time. The particulars change when the times do. How I get to work, and what I do when I am there, looks different than it did 50 or even 5 years ago. But what brings me Joy does not.
So the way we interact with other beings is not as influenced by the times we live in as logistics may be. Our relationships cannot be duplicated. Ever. By this I mean to say, the way we carry ourselves, the way we love, the way we lose, the way we express fear and joy and devastation as they relate to our contemporaries is a once-in-a-lifetime chemistry between to live beings.
Uniqueness of Experience: Three Categories
It is this uniquely special combination of circumstances between two beings that creates an unrepeatable connection. My experience is that by bringing awareness to three elements of our experience, we may better understand why our healing is our business.
When we reflect on the unique nature of (1.) Our personal relationship with the the deceased; (2.) Our own aggregate grief, and (3.) How we cared for ourselves at the time of this current loss, we begin to see an inarguable truth emerge: Due to the unique nature of these conditions, the assumption that someone or something outside of ourselves has the ability to understand our pain and somehow save us from it, is simply a disconnect.
Let’s look at these three categories more closely to understand how they fortify the declaration that we are 100% responsible for our own healing:
- Relationship with the deceased:
The complexity between my connection to the person that has died, and me, is only known to the person that died and me. The feelings of loss that are evoked by the death of this person, are therefore completely unrepeatable, and without a depth of understanding from anyone outside of that relationship.
Even feelings I may have with, or about that person may not truly be known to anyone but me. Or maybe there is a clarity that arises after a person dies which further complicates my emotions about the death. Since grief is an internal experience, it would be impossible for anyone else to grasp the complexity, nature and scale of my pain – making it unlikely for someone else to have an awareness of what could help me heal from this loss.
- Personal history of grief and loss:
My relationship to other losses, which pre-date this one will play a major role in working through the current situation. A death or loss from earlier in life that was not adequately processed, can become the catalyst for an “overwhelm” effect when grieving. Often it is these prior losses that are exposed when a new death occurs, and therefore the whole experience is heavier because it is one big pile of pain.
Failure to grieve and process loss in real time does not result in a peaceful heart. It is a stall tactic that can lead to levels of grief that are not necessarily commensurate with the current death. There is no problem to delay grief as a stall tactic when it is too much to process. But never returning to do the work can result in the levy breaking. Our grief waits patiently for our love and attention. If we lost a loved one previously and went on about our business as usual, we may find the current loss to be a trigger for previously unmanaged emotional pain.
- Degree of personal well-being prior to this death:
My capacity to grieve this loss will be affected by how well, or not, I am taking care of myself when loss hits. To be more specific, there are tools we acquire over time to navigate difficult situations.
For example, we would not expect ourselves to respond to a sudden loss at 50 years old, the same way we would react as a fifteen-year-old. As we move through life, we have opportunities to hone these coping and self-care skills. Whether we have had the courage to develop them, or invested the time to understand what our personal well-being looks like, will be direct determinants of how well we can process, integrate and heal from our current pain.
The uniqueness of these three components will have a substantive impact on how we heal or don’t, from a current loss. With all of these intricacies, it becomes obvious that no one could be more qualified to navigate our pain, and build a path of healing, than we are.
Universality of Experience: Three Common Threads
Fortunately grief is not only unique, it is also Universal. The nature of loss reverberates again and again, manifesting in ways that let us know we are not alone. Here are a couple of common threads that allow us to shoulder our experience of loss with others, once we have done the personal work of bringing awareness to our unique situation.
- A million manifestations of grief:
Since grief runs on one of the most intelligent (natural) AI systems known to humankind (aka our brains) we can count on the fact that there are as many manifestations of grief as there are people hurting. Perhaps limiting our experience to a few options like “sad” or “mad” would make the hurdles of grief easier to surpass. But if you have lost someone you love, you know that there are a million ways to feel the loss of even one person.
So we don’t have to share each “feeling” with someone to tap into the Universal nature of grief. We can simply acknowledge that mourning is different for everyone and connect on THAT level, without going into all the details of our experience.
- Life as we know it is over:
No matter what the circumstances of a death may be, one thing is sure: Life is different and so are we. When we back up out of the specifics regarding our loss, we find a common connection with others who find themselves in a new world also. The experience is a recognition that things are forever different, and that we must find a way forward.
Talking with others who have felt the shock and horror of death can ease our pain. Folks really don’t know how to navigate the devastation and confusion that can arise from loss. Understanding this shared ignorance can bring us together as humans, and help us feel less isolated. Again, we find ourselves able to connect through the broader experience of major life change.
- No one escapes grief:
This might not be great news for you if there haven’t been any major losses in your life yet. But if we are going to live in a world of relationships, we are going to lose many of them over time. Not all relationships will end in death (mercifully,) but the deeper and wider our relationship circles become, the more vulnerable we are to future loss.
The realization that death is part of life can be a major balm to our wounds. Understanding that we are not victims because we are hurting can go a long way in strengthening our resilience when it comes to loss. If we back up and look around, we will see that if we love, we will lose. Making peace with that fact can be a great liberator.
Understanding the Universal nature of experiencing grief is a powerful way to help us heal. Tapping into the aggregate relief that can achieved by knowing we are not alone is a lever we must pull as we build our healing path. But it is not the place to start.
As discussed, we must first get clear on our individual situation in order to better understand and process it. This allows us to initiate a process of healing that WE manage. Our process can be customized to address our personal gamut of emotions and give them some context.
This might be a great time to talk with a therapist or trusted advisor to help you navigate the complexities of this loss. Engaging professional help during this process may provide a solid foundation for the tough work ahead.
Regardless of how we address the uniqueness of our loss, eventually we can get to a place where we realize our healing is 100% our business. It can’t be any other way. There is no one else qualified. No one else has the data and the history. So we can rest in that understanding and begin to put one foot in front of the other.
Once forward steps can ensue, and we have invested some time in our personal journeys, we can then tap into the omnipresent Universal threads of pain and loss. Identifying pain in others is not comforting in and of itself. But seeing ourselves in each other, may just be the shared experience we need to be inspired, and to inspire others, as we rise in whatever way we can.
Please continue to share your feedback in the comments section of this blog or connect with me at info@lisamcfarland.com. Discussions like these help us get closer to the harmony we crave. There is no need to go it alone.
For the companion podcast to this post click here: Healing Path Podcast (with Lisa Chase McFarland)