“There are no silly questions.” We have heard this, and say it time and time again. I try to remind my teams of this when trying to get them to engage in a group conversation, or when tackling a new or difficult subject. And for the most part, I do agree, that there are no silly questions.
Except one. There IS one very silly question that should NEVER, as in NOT EVER be asked. I have only been “silly” enough to ask it only once in my lifetime. If you too have asked it, the memory of it is probably returning to you right now, and you know the question I am talking about: “When is your baby due?”
There are a few topics that we can safely fire up with a stranger, and some obvious ones to avoid. On the safe side, we have the weather, sports, the “what are you doing this ____?” (fill in the blank with a season) and the “how are the kids?” Topics.
In the dicey and avoid at all costs category, we have religion, politics, money and social justice topics. We save those for people we know, and trust, not strangers.
So I learned that this question is 100% off the menu, when I fell into the mistake of confusing a potential “pregnancy” question, for falling under the “how are the kids?” umbrella and asked a beautiful young woman, who was standing at a professional gathering among strangers (the type that you go to your topic Rolodex for) “When is your baby due?”
In my mind, I had come so far from the depths of grieving the deaths of my Daughter at 13 months, and my Son on the day of his birth, that I was perfectly capable and evolved enough to be brave, and ask the question. For many years before I avoided the topic at all costs, since my own story was so painful and overwhelming to me, that I never dared to pull the curtain back on any of it among strangers.
But on this day, I was feeling comfortable with my own personal tragedies and felt I could have the conversation so I jumped in: “When is your baby due?”
”I’m not pregnant. I’m fat.” She replied looking right back into my shrinking eyes, the ones that had been widened with self confidence 5 seconds prior.
A typical person might self flagellate for at least the remainder of the networking event. But not me. Since I’ve been Blessed with an extra large helping of empathy, I could not forgive myself for days. I won’t share the comments I made to myself during the day, in the middle of the night, while commuting…I couldn’t stop criticizing myself. I even shared it with a few people to gather up some support for myself to offset the mental badgering. I considered sending the woman flowers or calling her. Even though we were strangers.
Ultimately, I had to forgive myself. I’d asked the question. I’d received an answer. And I will never ask it again.