Since it was just Halloween, this is a perfect time to talk about monster syndrome. No, “Monster Syndrome” is not a diagnosis you will find in the DSM. It is more like my own take on a dynamic I think can get us into trouble.
I use the phrase “Monster Syndrome” to refer to anytime we see abhorrent behavior by an individual and assign the title of “monster” to the person that carried it out. For example, we may notice someone using poor judgment, aggressive language, or taking advantage of someone. We may bear witness to bullying, cheating or otherwise abusive behavior.
We all say the wrong thing sometimes, or act in a way we later wish we hadn’t. When that happens we may apologize, or at least make a plan to choose an alternative behavior next time. But what about when an action someone takes is so egregious that we forget the offender is human, and assign them the title of being a monster?
We can agree that some actions truly are unconscionable. We may have a hard time understanding how any adult, for example could make fun of a disabled person. It may shock us to hear the language used to describe the entitlement and bigotry that portions of our human race view as dinner table banter. We may learn of abuse, manipulation, greed or just plain inexcusable acts that rock our hearts and minds.
But in my opinion, we have to proceed with caution when we stand in judgment of another. It is one thing to recognize that someone is not acting as the best versions of themselves, as I said we humans are all guilty of making a bad call. But it is another thing entirely, to dismiss another person as a monster, evil, toxic or just a “bad apple.” The latter, gives us a free pass in a sense, to write off bad actions by a specific person, and decide that the person, not the action, is the problem.
I cannot disagree that there are folks in the world who repeatedly offend the humanity of our world, our planet and our freedom. I am not interested in becoming best friends with them, or even breaking bread together. However, when we dismiss someone as a “monster” we fail to ask the important questions that can protect us, others, and even that person from future harm.
If we know someone that has off-kilter judgment, or maybe just seems like a jerk, we don’t want to expose ourselves to that type of an environment. But failing to recognize how that human got to be that jerk, robs us of the chance to perhaps see something in ourselves that needs work, or at the very least help prevent further damage originating in them.
There is a powerful new book out titled “What Happened to You?” by Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey which I blogged about some time ago. It challenges us to resist the inclination to see something terrible and say “What’s wrong with you?” and leave it at that. The book which includes conversations on trauma, resilience and healing highlights the importance of understanding where a behavior comes from in order to combat its expansion. By asking additional questions like “What happened to you?” we get a shot at understanding the full landscape.
Anytime we fail to see the humanity in others, we take a chance that we are missing some component of their own suffering. The major risk is that relegating “monsters” to the shadows and not seeing the bigger picture is like putting bacteria in a petri dish, then a shoe box, then the closet, turning out the lights and locking the door. Without oversight and insight, who knows what further evil is brewing in there (and in the alleged “monster?”)
Personal boundaries and safety should absolutely be our highest priorities. I am not suggesting that we allow ourselves or others to be treated badly, or abusively. But I am saying that humans are not born as abusers and monsters. Something happens along the way. And unless and until we open the hood, take a look at the failing engine, and see what’s there, we have no real way to thwart the impending dysfunction.
Next time you are hurt, offended or shocked by something deemed unconscionable, resist the temptation to write that person off as a monster. Are there any redeeming things about the person that suggests this was not their best day? (Pro Tip: Remember that hatred is learned, not innate, and that we are born to love and create, not to destroy.)
See if there is a window of understanding into why that person acted the way they did. Understanding the origin of someone’s action is not the same as excusing it. Getting context is not a permission slip for the offender to escape accountability.
It is more of a due diligence thing, so we have all the info we can, when making judgments about what, if any role we would want that person to play in our lives. Sometimes we can just change the channel, or stop reading. But if the person is well-known to us, a colleague or even a family member we might not have that luxury.
Before you deem someone worthy of the title “monster” make sure there is nothing in your own reel of life’s past actions that could be interpreted as evil. Then say a silent Prayer (if you are so inspired) that the petri dish does not continue to flourish in the dark and have compassion for whatever brought the evil out of the individual to begin with.