I was so moved by this Tyler Perry quote that even though I don’t recall when I heard his words, it left a tattoo on my spirit that I could relate to. Stillness, quiet, meditation as we have briefly discussed is a way of connecting, or plugging back in to ourselves, our Creator, our essence.
I have had the miraculous experience of this playing out in my life, over and over and over again. The blog post that brought me back to becoming a pediatric ICU nurse (3/15/21) reminded me of one such life changing experience.
After my 13 month old daughter Alexis died in 1997, I was without oxygen. I remember collapsing to the kitchen floor when her lifeless, cooling body was taken from my arms to be moved to the funeral home. I didn’t stand back up until the next day, after sleeping on the floor just a few feet from there. I was hollow.
In the weeks and months that followed, I tried to stay alive myself. Yes, there was some useless reliance on the usual anesthesia: food, booze, etc. but mostly it was work to get my heart to beat even one more time let alone all day and all night. I think I slept a lot. Or I don’t truly remember being awake or present to anyone or anything for quite some time.
Then, months later one night in the stillness and my ability to just “be” I received a gift: “I need to go to nursing school!” Once I received a thread of this concept my mind raced and went from one idea to the next. I had been educated in psychology and business, but that seemed meaningless to me now. I craved purpose. I wanted to honor the nursing profession and become an advocate for patients who could not advocate for themselves.
A distinct memory I had (and still have) as an inspiration was a time after Alexis was diagnosed with Aplastic Anemia. Her home care nurse and I took her to an out patient lab to draw blood and check her counts. There were so many excruciating moments of feeling the impotence of not being able to protect her and this was no less traumatic than the others.
The lab tech continued to prick her tiny finger trying to squeeze blood out of it and collect it in a small ampule. She writhed and cried, I held her, and her nurse stood over us all. This nurse also worked in the PICU (at the hospital where I eventually joined the staff) and as such, she KNEW the tech only needed 0.5cc of the sample. However he was going for the full 2.0cc, which would be more appropriate for a larger person not a 15 pound infant.
Alexis’ nurse took charge and proclaimed to the lab tech: “You don’t need anymore blood. You only need 0.5cc, we are all done here” or something to that effect. She confidently helped us transition from that hell and helped us get back home where we could recover from the trauma.
I have endless memories of good people doing good things to help us through what was a heart breaking, helpless navigation through the medical pieces of Alexis’ short life. I look forward to sharing them, mainly to help others grieving know that you are not alone.
But for now, back to Tyler Perry. He was absolutely right. My life changed as did its purpose, that night I woke up and received the gift of insight. By dinner time the next day I had obtained applications from multiple nursing schools, requested former transcripts of mine, and identified programs I could get into by January 1998. And did just that.
Most of us don’t have the discipline, insight or practice to regularly get still. It is the easiest, hardest thing to do! But next time you awake in the dark of night, and the familiar narrative of “I need to be asleep, this is terrible, I will be so tired tomorrow, I have so much to do, why can’t I sleep…?” try challenging it. Sometimes night time is the only time our gifts can find us.
Instead, ask the question: “What gift is trying to evolve that I won’t listen to or am drowning out during wakeful hours?” You may receive a critical insight that changes everything, or at the very least that you start sleeping better if you make time for stillness during non-rest hours.
Thanks Tyler Perry, for this concept and all of your Divine contributions to our world!